How to Suck at Life

5 tips to ensure you are unsuccessful at everything

The internet is saturated with self-help articles, books, videos, podcasts, and courses on how to become the most successful version of yourself. I’m going to approach this subject from a different perspective. Let’s explore how to be the most unsuccessful version of yourself. If you want to lose jobs, alienate people, become homeless and pretty much suck at life altogether, then this will be your little handbook of failure.

There are many ways to self-sabotage and fail at life. I’m going to highlight and elaborate on five of my favorites.

Follow all of these tips on a daily basis and you will be a loser in no time:
1. Don’t Accept Help

Why would you ever want to get better at things by learning from people who may have more experience? Do everything yourself, whether you know how to do it properly or not. Don’t read books, don’t google information, and never ask for other people’s opinions on anything of substance. If anyone should ever try to assist you with anything, smugly inform them that you have it covered and walk away with your head held high. Don’t help other people either. But, if they are doing something the right way, make sure to let them know how wrong they are and fix it for them.

Never let people teach you things that could potentially make life easier for you and help you get ahead.

2. Never Take Risks

What could you ever have to gain by taking chances and challenging yourself? The world is a dangerous place full of people who want to take advantage of you and make you work for rewards. Avoid these people whenever you can and assume that they are all out to hurt you. If something seems difficult or you think it might require a personal sacrifice of any kind, don’t do it. If there is even the slightest possibility that you could gain something by being bold and taking a tougher path, always choose the easier path. Habitually think inside of the box and stay in your comfort zone at all costs.

Never, ever try anything that makes you feel remotely uncomfortable or that you have never done before.

3. Put Everything Off Until Tomorrow

Why in the hell would you do anything productive today when there’s always tomorrow? Stay in bed for as long as you can and binge-watch all of your favorite shows as much as possible. But make sure to change the channel quickly if you start to learn something useful. Keep your eyes on your phone no matter what, but turn off notifications for anything important. Break all of your appointments and keep your phone on silent. If an urgent circumstance should ever come up, ignore it, surely it will fix itself. When tomorrow does come, put things off until the next day.

Never do something that can be postponed until a later date.

4. Make Excuses For Everything

What’s the point of admitting you are wrong if you can always be right in your own mind? If you ever make a mistake, don’t admit to it. Do your best to convince everyone that everything you have ever done wrong was someone else’s fault, so therefore you are never wrong. If you are late to a meeting, blame it on traffic. If you forget an important event, blame it on the weather. If you break something, blame it on the manufacturer. Pretty much, just blame anything and everything you have ever done wrong or could ever do wrong on somebody or something else.

Never accept responsibility for your own actions.

5. Always Stay The Same

Why change when being the same is so much easier? Whatever you do, don’t ever do anything that will help you get ahead. Do not fraternize with successful people and always hang around people who are worse off than you. If everything that you are accustomed to doing keeps you in an endless loop of regression, keep doing that. If you ever find yourself in a situation where your actions, motives, or routine come into question by someone who cares about your well-being, deflect everything that they say and never talk to that person again. Who needs genuine and caring people in their life anyway?

Never change unless that change helps you go backward in life.

I promise that if you follow these 5 easy steps, you will be utterly miserable and discontent for the rest of your meaningless existence. If that doesn’t appeal to you then you can always do the exact opposite of this entire article, get up, get motivated and do something productive!

Originally published on

Featured image by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Published by Bobbyjmattingly

Bobby J Mattingly is an author, social media strategist, content creator, personal development advisor and inspirational speaker.

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